Thoughts on parenting

You know, coming from the family which I do, you would think I would be a semi decent writer. They are all literary folk, and for some reason, it skipped me. I thought I had it, I guess, and so during high school and college, I really didn't work hard at learning how to write well. Well, now I am paying for it. Here I "blog", but with difficulty. I wish I could express better my feelings, describe better my experiences, and easily say what I want to say! Alas, you will have to just deal with it, and I will in later years, read back and shake my head in disgust.

Enough of that.

I wanted to preface my thoughts with those statements so you understood that I am trying to portray some big, deep stuff, and it isn't going to come across as pretty as it should. Hopefully, the general idea, and the idea of what I am feeling will make it through.

Lately I have been feeling rather down about raising children. I have had experiences which cause me to be scared to raise children in todays world. All the scary things that could happen to them--from bad people doing bad things, to bad people influencing them. All the bad things they could do (I don't even want to think about that!). All the sad things that could happen to them. All the sadness they could feel (and do feel now! I hate to see Weston sad because of what others say to him, or when others hurt him). The hurt, the anger. (I notice that I am writing COULD, but really should have WILL in there instead) What if they leave the church? Okay, people can find happiness other places... But, the blessings they would miss out on! It would crush me to see them miss out on the happiness they could TRULY have (it has taken being a parent to understand so much of this). What if I am not a good enough parent to teach them of that happiness? What if they are mad at me for not raising them right? What if, what if, what if?

(Don't worry, this won't all be a downer)

So, I sat looking at Weston and thought, "If I only would have had him--one child--he would probably be raised practically to be perfect. I would have more patience if there was only one child around. I would have more time to spend working on teaching that child correct principles. Teaching how to behave, how to act, etc. I would have more time to show love. I would be less cranky. Would it have been better?" Please don't think of me as bad. I was just going through thought processes. Because then, I looked at Aidan. And I thought, "If I would have stopped at one, then I wouldn't have Aidan. What a kid! What a joy to my life! I can't imagine my life without him. He brings me so much happiness." And then looking at Brennan. Again what joy!

I've always said I wanted five kids. It is just what Scott and I have always said. We even think we know what we are going to have (three boys and two girls), we'll see if that turns out right. It isn't because the spirit has specifically said anything to me. I just feel it. Should I stop because of my insecurities? Should I let fear overcome me? Do I think God would set me up to fail? I think he believes in me. I think he is allowing me to have these children and raise them in these days. I think I can do it. I will do my best, and ask for the Lord to help me. If bad things happen, we push on through using the Holy Ghost as our guide. If they choose incorrectly, we continue loving and use the Holy Ghost as our guide.

So, I will look on the brighter side of life. I will see the good in the world. I will do things that will help me be a better mother. I will strive to love the boys more, and be angry at them less. I will pray for guidance daily. I will slow down. I will look forward to my future children (even if it is two more boys instead of two girls).

I will hope for the best, have faith in my Savior, and learn charity through loving my children.